Black Hat Bad Guy: Support and Love for the Toxic Person

Black Hat Bad Guy: Support and Love for the Toxic Person

That’s right. They point their fingers at you. The BAD ONE.

You get cancelled. You get blocked. Your account is suspended. Banished from the family. Friends no longer invite you.

Our culture - our planet - is embracing “the disconnect trend.”

According to the misguided, mental health depends on identifying and eliminating the toxic people, the narcissists, and the baddies from your life. In fact, victim versus perpetrator is the media trend, the therapy, and coaching trend, the buzzword of our world. Social media, newsfeeds, even reputable news outlets, flood the wire with advice on how to identify the people who make your life hard. You must weed them out!

A quick search results in thousands of “what to do if your X (partner, parent, boss) is a toxic person,” “how to survive a toxic relationship,” “boundaries against the narcissist….”

But where are the articles - where is the advice - for the person labeled toxic or narcissist?

The fact is, on any particular day, the victim can become the perpetrator and the perpetrator can become the victim. A toxic relationship - no matter the pop psychology and tikTok-counseling - takes two players and a symbiotic dysfunction!

(Yeah…victims don’t like to talk about that.)

Victims seem to join this social club - and hold a position of honor, embracing victimhood as a powerful position. The victim can be either a person who suffered actual abuse or one who merely defines another’s behavior as abusive. And the status permits - even encourages - discarding relationships, obtaining court orders, and escaping all personal responsibility.

A long time ago in a galaxy not that far away, this author counseled domestic violence victims. During that time, my research discovered that (a) violence is perpetuated by both genders - but men do not report it and men’s injuries are not as severe, and (b) in any violent relationship, often, the victim is the instigator and begins the violent cycle.

Worse, I often represented perpetrators in domestic violence restraining order matters. I remember one client, Dan, who kept texting his son’s mother, although he had a restraining order against doing so.

She texted me first,” Dan told me. “She kept pushing because she hadn’t gotten the support check. I don’t know where the check is. They take it out of my pay. And they send it to her.”

She texted you?” I asked.

Yeah. She does all the time. Calling me a deadbeat and telling me she’s shopping for another dad for my son.” He wiped his eyes on his orange jumpsuit sleeve. “And she won’t let me see him.”

And she texts you?” I asked, confused that this “victim” would not only repeatedly contact her “assailant,” but also would continue to pester, needle, and insult him. It was as if she was trying to get him to explode.

Like I have previously mentioned: These relationships are NOT one-sided poor victim and abusive narcissist.

What I saw was a young father who had not seen his infant son in over a year - while paying child support - because he and his son’s mother had a violent and toxic relationship. No one attempted to help him. Cuffs. Restraining order. Toxic, black hat label.

And this is not unusual. The “toxic” person is always objectified as the Black Hat, the Bad Guy (or Girl), the Narcissist. Yet, toxicity and anger - even violent outbursts - are typically acute, not chronic. Narcissists (truly toxic people - also with an identifiable brain pattern!) make up less than 6% of the population. Psychopaths make up less than 2% of the population. The odds that the boss and parent and last three partners and roommate…and, and… are toxic is impossible.

Let’s be honest: Violent and toxic behavior is a sign of an unconscious brain pattern - a pattern JUST AS PAINFUL and JUST AS TRAUMATIC as a “victim’s script.” You might be the Black Hat, but we know that your unconscious brain patterns insist:

  • No one can love you.

  • You are on the wrong planet.

  • You are better off alone.

  • You should be guilty for your behavior.

  • No one understands you.

  • You’re dangerous.

  • You don’t have a tribe.

  • You will always be alone.

  • Everyone else is “crazy” or “evil.”

  • You can’t change.

One of the most effective Break Method marketing pieces targets men who have been labeled toxic, narcissistic, or abusive. While Break Method will not encourage violence or toxic behavior, it will help you understand what actions drew the criticism - and why you:

  • Have anger “issues” or react violently.

  • Investigate or suspect others are lying or to be distrusted.

  • Find it necessary to criticise others.

  • Get accused of being insensitive or having “no filter.”

  • Say the “wrong thing” - to be sure you are forever unloved!

  • Hold and express unpopular opinions - to ensure others avoid or reject you!

  • Have strong boundaries and assert them - at the wrong time setting yourself up for a “fight.”


Take radical, personal responsibility: Your emotional reaction - no matter another’s label - is in your control. Your behavior is in your control.


Control what you can - let go of what you cannot. If you are attempting to control others or situations outside of your control, or if you are experiencing worry or anxiety over what you cannot control, ask yourself why.

And if you are wondering why you are always The Black Hat, Break Method can help you answer your questions.

Take The Break Method Quiz.

Learn if Break Method is a good fit for you. It’s FREE. It takes 5 minutes.

And you can decide your next steps. Typically, those new to Break Method take the Break Method Brain Pattern Assessment.

Break Method’s streamlined and effective approach to RAPIDLY rewiring your behavioral responses. STOP negative thought patterns. TODAY. And FOR GOOD.

You get:

·      2 foundational videos with workbook exercises

·      A Zoom session with a Certified Behavior Strategist who will complete your assessment

·      A PDF report with your 8-part Pattern Hypothesis

·      Understand How You Developed These Unhealthy Patterns


Or schedule time with Gordon, our Lead Advisor, to help you get started with any Break programming TODAY.

And take off that Black Hat.

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