You think it’s all wrong.
We fight all the time.
I’m sad and anxious all the time.
I want it over all the time.
Perhaps what you think is “all wrong” is not what is actually “all wrong.”
Perception breakdowns start by labeling one’s partner as:
But you know that. You’ve lived it.
Dismissive Driver (and Uncaring Insistence)
She reminds him, again, that the garbage needs to go to the curb. He, adjusting his headset, grunts and achieves another level on Grand Car Crash Video Funfest.
She rips the headset off his head: “Take out the garbage.”
He snaps, “What the hell? Just calm down. I’ll get it after this level. It’s the hard track and I don’t have the best car.”
“You’ll get it now,” she insists.
He reaches for her hand. “Don’t get upset, babe.”
“Don’t placate me. Just take out the freaking garbage!” she screams as she pulls her hand away.
Dismiss the Damage and Evade the Issue
“Did you spend $600 on shoes?” he asks, pointing at the credit card statement.
“What?” she asks, leaning behind him and gazing at the paper.
“This,” he says, pointing to the line on the statement.
“Oh, those are the sexy boots you love. Remember when we went to that concert,” she says, leaning over him and kissing his neck. “You loved those boots. Remember, I left them on…”
“Babe. That expense is way outside our budget,” he says as he pulls away.
“Don’t worry about it. Wasn’t it worth it?” she asks.
“I can’t keep working overtime to support your shopping addiction,” he says. His frown is deep now. He clenches his jaw.
“Oh, so I don’t make enough money. Here we go! Same bull, every time!”
Ugly and Uncaring (and Dismissive)
She squeezes herself into her favorite skirt. It’s gotten tight since the pregnancy. But she wants to look nice at the party. She emerges from the bedroom and positions herself between the television and his eye-line. “Do I look fat in this skirt?”
He frowns and tilts his head to see the television. “Ah, the game’s on. Everyone is on their way.”
“Just tell me. I know I look fat. Do I look fat?” She smooths the front of the skirt and stands in profile.
“No. You don’t look fat,” he says, leaning further to reestablish eye-line to the television. The crowd roars. He says, “I missed the touchdown.”
Her eyes well with tears. “I know you think I look fat. Since I had the baby.”
“I just want to watch the game,” he says, finally turning towards her.
“You don’t care,” she cries as she returns to the bedroom and slams the door.
The Painful Truth:
Any of that feel familiar? Sure it does. Whether you tanked your relationship or you’re struggling to hold it all together, you’ve had similar conversations.
And each time, you’re a little closer to ending it. Your heart disintegrates a little more. You tell yourself: I’m bad at relationships. No one loves me. Relationships are a waste of time. I’m better off alone. I can’t trust anyone….
Want the painful truth?
We rarely respond in ways based on logic or intuition. We emotionally respond based on the conditioning we’ve had from our childhood experiences. Your brain keeps recreating that faulty experiment. Respond this way and you’ll be safe.
Not only do you respond with your pre-programed script but also you create the conditions necessary to execute that response.
When you use that emotional programmed response, you destroy your chance at a joyful, peaceful, and loving life.
And certain brain patterns will always feel wronged and misunderstood by other brain patterns. Toxicity and conflict will occur unless both partners learn their own and their partner’s patterns. And realize how those patterns distort reality.
You are not crazy. You can have a loving relationship. I bet you already do. You are just too immersed in your own brain and emotional patterns to see it.
Let’s examine those three scenarios through a Break Method lens:
The Dismissive Driver (and Uncaring Insistence)
He’s not dismissive. He’s desperately trying to placate her and diffuse the argument. He doesn’t want to fight, but she always makes such a big deal out of the chores…
She’s not uncaring. She’s so deep in her script that she is hyper-focused on his taking out the garbage - to prove he loves her.
They are both afraid.
The Dismissive and The Evasive
She violated their agreement about the budget. You’re darn right she’s scared. So, she evades the issue, and tries to placate him and diffuse the situation by focusing on the sexiness of the boots.
He notes she is not thinking logically about the issue and seems uncaring because he’s so focused on the money. He, too, is scared.
The Ugly Truth
She’s so hyper-focused and drowning in her own negative feelings about her body, and her own fears, she is completely unaware of reality: he’s watching the game. They have guests coming. And now is the perfect time to run her script all over him. The only result will be the fight she needs to escape her own feelings.
He sees it coming. He seems dismissive but fears the fight is on.
The End…and The New Beginning
Many Break Method graduates - like me - came to Break to save a relationship. Like me, you know something is wrong, but you can’t see it or stop it - or save your relationship. You read the books; you take the classes; you try counseling; you try therapy. And you resign yourself to another divorce, another tearful breakup, another string of lonely nights.
Or, you enroll in Break, rewire your subconscious patterns - and recognize your partner’s subconscious patterns.
I considered writing the fairytale ending for this article, playing out each scenario after completing Break. But here’s the kicker:
These scenarios DON’T HAPPEN after Break.
After Break, she’s not hyper-focused on finding routes to criticize him. And the garbage is already at the curb because he knows a clean house is important to her.
She doesn’t buy the over-budget boots or rationalize the behavior. She keeps her promises to him. He is honest and reveals he feels pressured to work overtime - and that he needs her help.
She tells him she wants to lose weight and asks for his help. And she doesn’t raise the issue on game day with guests about to arrive. He suggests they don’t have a game-day because he recognizes she’s not feeling her best.
You can have a healthy, loving, joyful relationship. Check out these testimonials. Real people with real challenges - just like you.
And let’s fix your patterns, your response, and your relationship. Take the Break Method Brain Pattern Assessment. And invite your partner to join you.
I promise you, this is your first step to direct your destiny.